I have fallen in lust with a 20 year old man who will never love me.
Is the word I have been
for more than a year
Was the me who walked beside him.
My best friend, the biggest womanizer I have ever known, has become so cold.
What you must understand about me, is that I am a deeply unhappy person.
I remember when I was in fifth grade there was this thing called ‘partner reading’. Where the seniors (5th graders) would read to the kindergartners. I got assigned to this cute chocolate skinned girl who was always extremely happy. We were the opposite.
Anyways, we read to these children anything we wanted, so I chose a book I was currently reading about a boy who was dying from leukemia. I’m not sure why, but I had decided to read her the ending, where the boy dies. And I know it’s fucked up, but I felt like she had to know. She had to be prepared for death. So after I finished reading the end, she started to cry, and I been wail.
When the teacher who was observing us ran over, she began to scream at me and told me to leave. I was shocked and I stood staring at the little girl who’s viewpoint I had shattered a little too early. Then the teacher began to tell the little girl that the boy was now an angel, that it was all okay now. That he was in a better place and all this other bullshit so that she’d stop crying. That moment, was when I lost any chance of ever believing in an afterlife. It was only something used to quickly answer the question ‘what Happens to us’ because clearly such an intelligent human species just doesn’t die. Something has to happen to us because we are clearly more greater in the food chain and mentality. wrong.
I remember after that the little girls mother came to the school to complain about how her daughter wouldn’t leave her room and that I should be suspended. I couldn’t understand why someone figuring out the truth was so wrong. Like in the story of Adam and Eve, (not really religious so I’ll say what I can gather) when Eve eats from the tree of knowledge she has insight, she can see. We can’t all stay in the garden of Eden forever, and I believe I did her right.
When I asked him what his blind eyes saw me as, he said I was in between the colors red and white.
When I asked him what my voice was
He described as both the moonlight and the sunrise.
I wonder what’d it be like to die.
And it’s not like i would ever want to, just that the very idea of time stopping for someone who believed that it would never end, leaves me numb.
For the soldier who believed that without him everything would end, the war would go on.
I am not the girl your mother warns you about. I won’t kiss your best friend or break your heart. I woke make you choose between what you love to do and me. Sometimes I am cold and reckless, but I will still love you more than anything. I will kiss you when you cry. I will stand by your side until otherwise.